


Hold On

by 20Zvorak17



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Attempted Suicide, M/M, Songfic, suicidal!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 09:07:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13830972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/20Zvorak17/pseuds/20Zvorak17
Summary: He'd had no idea Sam felt this way and now it might be too damn late.Inspired, but not based on, Sam & Dean/Hold on AU--and therefore a songfic





	Hold On

Dean was out with a girl. He didn't think that Sam knew, but he'd known about this habit for the last four towns. To an extent, he understood. Sex with girls was  _different_ and Dean had been having sex with girls for pushing a decade now. But he'd made a promise to Sam, the day they'd started this on Sam's 17th birthday. He'd sworn to him nobody else.

Sam was done with it and he was going to confront Dean. Tonight.

_Loving and fighting; accusing, denying._

"Have a good time tonight?"

Dean shrugged, not as casual as he'd have liked. Had it been anyone else, even Dad, it would've passed. Sam, though, Sam noticed, because Sam knew him. "Hustled some pool, had a coupla drinks. It was alright."

"I'm not an idiot Dean. Please stop acting like I am." His voice is sort of empty sounding, even to his own ears.

Dean swallows hard, panic rising in him. He loves Sam, he does, but he's not real good at this whole relationship thing. "I don't know what..."

"You still smell like her, Dean." His voice is quiet enough Dean almost has to strain to hear. "And you always do. And I can't do this anymore, man."

_Can't imagine a world with you gone._

"Sammy, no. I can't do this without you man." And he can't. Can't do this if he can't kiss Sam, if they can't spray paint the football field now and then the night before Dad gets back. And he definitely won't be able to fight the monsters without someone to come home for.

_The joy and the chaos; the demons that made us._

"Don't Sammy, please." Voice small, head hanging and Sam's made up his mind.

_I'd be lost if you left me alone._

_You locked yourself in the bathroom._

Sam rises quickly heads for the bathroom because it's the only place for some privacy, the only place to go to get away from Dean. He catches his own eyes in the mirror, red-rimmed, watering and full of hurt. His face is the picture of dejection and he can't look at it for one more second. He puts his fist right through it. The shard that sticks in his hand is large and deep and he gets an idea.

* * *

 

Crashing glass alerts Dean that something is wrong. He throws himself into the door once, twice, then crashes through. Sam's pale, unconscious, both wrists slashed to hell, a glass shard resting loosely in his hands.

_Lying on the floor when I break through_

"Sam!" His breath is caught in his throat, warring with his heart for the space. "Baby, come on. Hey, hey wake up. Sammy!" Dean lifts his little brother, pulls him into a hug and thank God he's breathing, he's got a pulse Dean can feel it.

_Pull you in to feel your heartbeat. Can you hear me screaming 'Please don't leave me'._

"Sammy, you don't get to do this, man. You don't get to die, you understand? With shaking hands he pulls out his phone and it takes him entirely too long to dial 911. "My brother," he says thickly, "he slashed his wrists. There's a lot of blood and he's alive but...he...Hey, Sammy, no!" Dean says, the tone all John and it works as it always has, Sam's eyes snapping open. "Hey, listen baby it's not...it's not even that bad. It's not that bad, Sammy, alright. Listen you can...you can hold on for fifteen minutes, right Sammy?"

_Hold on, I still want you. Come back, I still need you._

"Sir..." the voice on the phone is hesitant, "we can't get an ambulance to your location for at least half an hour."

"Fine,' Dean snaps, furious because _how_ in the  _hell_ is a _fifteen year old suicide victim_ not a friggin' priority, "cancel it. I'll drive him in."

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right. I swear to love you all my life._

"Sam, I promise, I swear on Mom's grave. If you just pull through this I'll be better. Just a little longer, man, alright."

_Hold on I still need you._

He loads his brother into the car, careful and gentle but swiftly, straps him in because like hell is he going to accidentally hurt Sam even more. He rips out of the parking lot, going hell-for-leather towards downtown and curses John for picking a hotel on the outskirts. He's going 75 in a 55, running stop signs, but he has to stop when he reaches a busy intersection and he takes the opportunity to hang a white shirt from the backseat out the window. He's absolutely positive that he's never gonna make it in time.

_Long endless highway, you're silent beside me. A nightmare I can't escape from._

"I don't even know if you're listening," Dean says out loud because Sam's lost consciousness again and he can't hear, "I don't even know if you're  _real."_ But Mary had always said there were angels watching over them and he's really just out of ideas. "But if you are, God or my guardian angel, or anyone at all... you gotta help me. You gotta save him."

_Helplessly praying the light isn't fading,_

He's feeling cold, shaky and light-headed but he can't go into shock, not now, not until they reach the hospital and they're fixing Sam.

_Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones._

They've made it now and Dean picks him up like he's fragile, one hand wrapped around to feel his pulse. It's weak and it's slow but it's there and they've arrived. He rushes in through the emergency doors. He yells that Sam needs help, needs it now and hugs him tight, even as orderlies rush their way with a gurney.

_They took you away on a table. I pace back and forth as you lay still. I pull you in to feel your heartbeat, can you hear me screaming "Please, don't leave me."_

"Do not die on me, Sammy. Please, don't die. Please," his breath hitches and his eyes sting and he starts to pace anxioiusly, "don't leave me alone."

* * *

"Mr. Winchester?" a nurse approaches him, touches his shoulder, and it's all he can do to look up. "We stabilized him if you want to see him." But Dean is already on his feet before her sentence is over and she's still finishing it as they head towards Sam's room.

"I need you to hear me, Sammy. You're all I want. I've been selfish and greedy but I swear to God you are all I want and the only thing I need."

_Hold on, I still want you. Come back I still need you._

He takes Sam's hand, kisses the back of it then turns it over and kisses his palm. Takes it in both and leaves his lips against Sam's knuckles. "I'm gonna be better, Sammy. I'm gonna fix this. It's what I do, right, is take care of you? I'm gonna fix us; I will.

_Let me take your hand, I'l make it right. Swear to love you all my life. Hold on I still need you._

"Anyway," he bites his lip sharply and sniffs, "they stitched you up, got you on fluids. You...you lost a lot of blood, Sammy, there was  _so much blood_." Sniffs again. "So, all you gotta do is just wake up, man. I will not make it without you, Sam. I can't. If you die, I'm just going to follow you, you hear me." Part of him wishes he could say this to Sam when he's awake, but that's just not who he is, even if it's inside him. "Not strong enough to do this without you, man, alright?"

_I don't want to let go. I know I'm not that strong._

It's been seven hours since he crashed through that door; six hours and fifteen minutes since they made it to the ER; five since they let him in. And God but he misses Sam's voice, his constant chatter, the endless trivia both useful and not and the anecdotes that make up his day. He wants that--it's all he wants.

_I just wanna hear you say, "Baby, let's go home. Let's go home." I just wanna take you home._

"Please, Sam."

_Hold on, I still want you. Come back I still need you._

"D'n?"

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sam was originally supposed to die but I just couldn't do it. It would've been a better story, so I'm sorry, but I couldn't.


End file.
